On Fire
Up until just over a week ago I had been making the most of a run of lower pain levels. I felt mentally strong and was dealing with life much better as a result.
I almost forgot how dark it can get in a flare up and how quickly my mental state can sink. The main areas that my pain is centered is in my lumber region and the left side of my head and face. It was a quick drop in the temperature that triggered a flare up of head pain.
By the 5th day of experiencing crushing electrical pain I felt the cloak of depression descending on me. I was running out of ways to managing it and frustration and resentment were kicking in. It was becoming difficult to meditate which is my main defense against stress and once again I was backsliding into the whirlpool of negative thinking and fear.
When I am in high pain levels my personality changes which can cause problems within my personal relationships. I find it difficult to deal with my family and all I want to do is give up and hide away in bed. But that would only create more problems.
With this flare up I pushed myself to keep busy. I continued to work my morning job and tried my best at home to carry on as normal. My head hurt like hell but I kept distracting myself with other things. My attitude this time was that whatever I am doing I am going to be in pain so I may as well keep occupied.
It frightened me how negative my thinking got but I continued to meditate as best I could. Keeping faith that I would stay free from the depression I was starting to experience. Last year I sank deeply and I didn't want to revisit that place again.
After so much struggle with flare ups in the past I made the decision last year to look at my flare ups differently. For one I knew that they would pass. That these periods of intense pain were not permanent. I held on to these thoughts through times of suffering. I also decided that flare ups were to become opportunities to learn. That with each one I would experiment to find new ways to manage them. Taking this attitude towards them was making a positive out of a brutally negative situation.
Flare ups are a given with CPS. They are hours and days that test our sanity and push us to the limits, and we all have different tools in the box to deal with them. We have no choice but to ride the waves of these pain storms. But with each one we are given another chance to learn to cope before the waters calm down and we can breathe once again.
Questions or comments? Join the CPS patient conversation at our closed Facebook group or email us at info@cps.foundation