Defined By Pain
Over the last few years my wife and eldest daughter have regularly seen me curled up on the floor in pain, sink into deep depression and struggle with daily life. They have seen me in tears of frustration and hopelessness. A far cry from the man they knew before the accident.
Pain has been all consuming for myself and my family. There are times my wife has had to act as caregiver. And times our marriage has hit the rocks because of my mental state.
And it’s not just the physical pain that now affects me. I have developed cognitive issues. Pain has changed the way my brain operates. As a result of my brain and body running on adrenaline I struggle sometimes with memory loss, brain fog and the ability to find words when I am speaking. It has caused me to go in on myself and avoid contact with other people. Mostly out of embarrassment.
So it’s hard to not let the pain define me. Because under the umbrella of chronic pain I am a husband and a father. A man who is trying to be an example of patience and tolerance with my daughters and to have a loving relationship with my wife. There is so much more to me than CPS. Although it doesn't feel that way most days.
Over the last few months since finally finding some acceptance around my condition (acceptance isn't approval - very important to understand), life has improved for me. For one I no longer burn up needed energy fighting the pain. I have stopped resenting my situation which has awarded me some freedom from the mental strain.
I am also grateful to an understanding boss who has kept me in employment and found me a job with reduced hours more suited to my current situation. Providing for my family is important to me and work brings a sense of normality to my life. I am lucky in that sense as many suffering from CPS have other disabilities which stop them from working all together.
My hope is that I can continue to improve mentally and physically. With meditation and mild exercise even the slightest shift in mental positivity is a win for me. I have so much to live for beyond the bondage of pain. And I will keep seeking ways to live my life to the fullest.
Questions or comments? Join the CPS patient conversation at our closed Facebook group or email us at info@cps.foundation