Parenting & pain

This has always been, for me, a difficult subject to address. Because it has caused me such guilt as a father to young daughters. When my step daughter Frankie was young I would always take her out at the weekend for daddy/daughter time. Usually a trip to the park which she loved. Looking back now it was time I took for granted.

In the first year of our triplets being born I wanted to carry on the tradition. Usually on a Sunday I would take them for a walk to a nearby garden centre cafe. It was time alone for us as I worked all week plus it gave my wife Stacey a break at home to relax without the stress of triplet parenting.

After the accident it became apparent quickly that walking was a trigger for flare ups. Even pushing a shopping trolley was enough to cause a raging pain. It put an end to my trips out with my daughters. My accident happened when my three daughters were a year old. I began to experience guilt in that I couldn't do with them the thing’s I enjoyed. I felt like a hopeless dad.

Being a dad is something I take very seriously. I have published a book on my experience of becoming a dad from a life of self destruction and alcoholism. I have helped to support other men who were struggling with early parenting, and then suddenly the rug was pulled from under me. From writing about overcoming mental health problems to then start struggling with deppresion and fear because of CPS put me in a difficult position. I felt immense guilt and had to adjust myself to living and parenting with chronic pain.

But I have somehow managed this far. My time with my daughters is still quality time. I am still a father and the most important thing I can do in that role is parent in the principles of love, patience and tolerance. I have had to accept my limitations. I can now start taking them to the park again now they are fully mobile and can run and play by themselves.

At home I can still help teach them the things that are important like kindness and courage. All of my daughters are growing in confidence and that is down to the work my wife and I have put in. We work together to raise them in a home of love.

I still experience guilt to some extent, especially when my pain levels are raised and I struggle to function. I have recently suffered from two herniated discs in my lower spine on top of my CPS pain and i hit a low for a few days as I struggled to get up off the floor and walk. So home-life isn't all plain sailing alongside CPS. But the most I can do is be present mentally and spiritually. I may struggle physically at times but there are always other areas of my life where I can improve.

Meditation and faith is the key-stone to my life. By building resilience to stress, bit by bit, I will continue to rise above the mental pressure of chronic pain. I still hit lows but I never stay down for long. And with a family to support i can't afford to keep going in on myself. My role as a father and a husband is still the most important area of my life. And with faith and a positive attitude I have a chance to be the dad I want to be.