Mental health awareness week
Here in the UK it is mental health awareness week so I thought I would drop a post on a subject close to my heart. I have a chequered history of mental health issues including depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I was a prolific self harmer as a younger man and also battled with with alcoholism well into my mid thirties. Long before CPS came along.
I had a troubled beginning in life. My father was addicted to prescribed morphine and also suffered with alcohol abuse. I left home age fifteen and went into the world full of anxiety and anger at the injustice of life. It wasn’t long before I got into self-destructive behaviours myself. My teenage years were plagued with bout’s of depression and obsessive behaviours. I had abused alcohol from the age of fourteen and by the age of nineteen was hospitalised on a psychiatric ward. I didn’t have a bright future ahead of me.
My life went on to be one of great highs and deep lows. I travelled a good chunk of the world and moved to Australia but my drinking put an end to the wild ride I was on. Age thirty I moved to New Zealand Where my drinking came to a crashing end. I moved back to the UK but my mental health continued to take a nose dive. Even a year of solitude on a remote island north of Scotland didn’t award me any peace. I wound up drunk for three months after leaving the island and ended up in a detox. I was also back in the care of the local mental health team.
At thirty six I recovered from alcoholism. I also recovered from a lot of my mental health conflicts through practicing mindfulness non contemplative meditation. I enjoyed six years of a normal life. I worked hard. Got married to Stacey, we bought a house and started a family. And all was looking well until my triplets were a year old and in 2018 I got hit in my car and sustained a whiplash injury that triggered CPS. Once again my mental health became a very real issue.
The stress of being off work unable to earn money was stressing me out to the max. That and the constant electrical pain I was experiencing. I began having auditory and visual hallucinations. A problem that I thought was well behind me. I was once again full of frustration and resentment at the injustice of the pain I was experiencing. Stress was overwhelming me and all I wanted was a magic pill to take the pain away. But there was no such pill. I began taking medications for the pain and was referred to a pain clinic for support.
The hallucinations have continued three years on. During flare ups I still experience depression. The Psychiatrist put me on Olanzapine, an anti-psychotic a couple of years ago. It was hard to end up back in the hands of the mental health team because of the hallucinations and destructive thinking I was experiencing. I have never acted on my thoughts. I put that down to the meditation. I am also aware that my hallucinations are just a symptom of extreme stress. They distract me at times and there are times I feel a bit of fear when I hear abuse shouted at me. But for the most I am conscious of them and they don’t bother me. It’s the same with the thinking.
I have never shared any of this to anyone but my wife, so it’s a bit strange to be sharing it with the world. But I believe chronic pain and mental health go hand in hand and if you are suffering there is no shame. Don’t be afraid to seek help or speak up about it. We all struggle from time to time and with chronic pain more than most. It takes a warrior to live with CPS - and just remember that. We are are suffering daily from a dysfunctional central nervous system. It is bound to affect us mentally at times. I no longer feel embarrassed about my mental health problems. To me they are now just a part of my life. Just another obstacle to deal with. And with meditation I will continue to rise above my problems and not let my thinking get the better of me. I will leave a link to the free meditation I practice. You may find it as useful as I have.
https://schwarzhoffmedia.com/non-contemplative-meditation/